THE BIG SPACE FUCK

The above title is taken from a very dirty Kurt Vonnegut short story, and as a good Christian I rarely use that kind of language. But there is no other word — fuck — for the kind of sexual exploits which are now being studied. I accidentally stumbled upon a disturbing website called Boing Boing — referring to the sexual act, no doubt! — on which a person named Xeni Jardin posted about “sex in space” (you can find the post here).

Apparently, there is even a book about sex in space coming out next month, conveniently titled Sex in Space and written by Laura Woodmansee.

The Boing Boing piece quotes MSNBC science writer Alan Boyle as saying:

Sex in space would likely be “hotter and wetter” than on Earth […] because in zero-G there is no natural convection to carry away body heat. Also, scientists have found that people tend to perspire more in microgravity. The moisture associated with sexual congress could pool as floating droplets.

I’m blushing just reading that. Also, I may need a cold shower. The thought of vaginal fluids pooling together and floating through space like lightweight mercury — or worse, a wad of man…stuff floating through space like the ghost of Elmer’s glue — just disturbs me to no end. Americans’ obsession with sexual congress is part of what is wrong with America.

Put down the condoms and pick up the hymnals, America! Use the phrase “Oh, God!” the way it was intended to be used, in reverence — to God.

I find it disturbing enough that people have been studying sex on Earth for so long — but now, people are even studying future sex. People’s obsession with sex — oral sex, anal sex, missionary position vaginal sex, doggy style vaginal sex, doggy style anal sex, reverse cowgirl vaginal sex — is just…it’s what, in part, is wrong with this country. I myself am a proud virgin at the age of 23.

You may be thinking, But, Jon, you’re 5’7″ and 280 pounds, and also incredibly annoying, so of course you’re a virgin. You couldn’t get laid in Tijuana with a hundred dollar bill safety pinned to your shirt.

Which may be true, but it isn’t the point. Even if I could, I wouldn’t.

The sexual act should be performed only by married couples in an attempt to breed. This is why I support abstinence-only sex education. Now, sure, there are those who would argue that denying people knowledge of sex is more dangerous than giving it to them (knowledge, not actual sex), that since the drive for sex is natural, denying people knowledge of sex only makes it so people cannot deal with a natural drive in an educated fashion. That with knowledge comes power — that with knowledge of sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, contraceptives, and so on, people can protect themselves from the dangers of sex. That ignorance will never eliminate a person’s natural drive for sex. And furthermore, that sex itself — like the drive for it — is perfectly natural and has no more inherent meaning than, say, pooping, though it often feels a great deal better (I have heard). That it can be special, and meaningful, if we love the person we’re sharing the experience with — but that it can also be a good way to kill an hour before heading off to see a film, and nothing more.

Yes, there are those who would make such arguments. I call them atheists. And since there is a 93% chance that you are not an atheist, I trust that you would never make such an argument, or buy into such an argument.

And since we’re in agreement, I urge you to never, ever have sex in space, unless you are married, and having sex in order to produce a child.

But for God’s sake — and I mean that literally: for God’s sake — don’t you dare enjoy it. Because then it’s a sin.

33 Responses to THE BIG SPACE FUCK

  1. I’m sorry to inform you, but BoingBoing is not about sex. It is as the title implies “a directory of wonderful things.” I.e. 4 people post interesting websites they find. Their morals are a bit different than mine or yours, but they still find a bunch of very interesting things to read about.

    Also, I seriously hope you are a monk or intend to not get married. Sex is an integral part of intimacy and closeness within marraige. God created sex for more than just continuation of the human species. If you want to chat, head over to http://www.theholywild.com and make a post. The forum is run by a good friend of mine and we’d be willing to talk about this.

    Matt

    P.S. In case you’re wondering, sex is a lot more fun than pooping!

  2. Bender says:

    Well, this is certianly something I haven’t come across before. Your reaction to “Sex in Space” is understandable. But you have to understand, this is a fallen world that we live in. People want fulfillment in their lives and if it’s not God like it should be, they’re going to go for something else. And they have and it’s gotten totally out of control. It’s everywhere and since people are headed for space, it’s going to end up there too. We can’t do anything about it. Our mission, as Christians, is NOT to fight evil. Leave that to God. Our mission is to spread the Gospel. And what was that about not enjoying sex? You don’t think God designed it that way? Have you ever read Song of Solomon?
    Anyways, I know you aren’t the only one who thinks this way. I respect that. It’s fine. But let’s get hypothetical for a minute. What if instead of sex, it was food? Like, everyone was obsessed with eating food for fullfillment? They are both biological needs that have to be satisfied and the world twists them into something horrible and sinful. If it was food instead of sex, extremists would be telling everyone that enjoying their food was a sin and everyone should just eat tasteless paste to be fed and nothing else.

  3. Ted says:

    At least you got part of your post right – unfortunately, it was the “athiest” argument. I take a more proactive approach to it.

    Just beause you haven’t had sex yet doesn’t mean others your age aren’t going to. Even if you’re right and it’s a sin, that won’t stop people who don’t share your views from having sex. THOSE people need good sex education, even though you don’t.

    Perhaps you can tell me why conservatives and highly religious people keep acting like their telling people not to do something will keep them from doing it.

  4. Gargamale says:

    Did you ever stop to ponder that maybe, just maybe, not everyone is a Chistian? I know your religion teaches you that everyone should be; some people simply disagree with Christianity as hard as that is for you to believe. This is a sin for you, not everyone. I welcome the chance to engage in sexual relations in microgravity. Please try to be open-minded; you and your fellow worshippers aren’t the only people in the world.

  5. Steve says:

    Gargamale,

    please try to be even more open-minded that Christians follow what the scriptures tell us to follow and as such we aren’t able to be as open minded as someone who is not following the scriptures; you and your fellow non-worshippers aren’t the only people in the world either.

  6. DAS says:

    Some people you just can’t reach.

  7. jere7my says:

    DAS, are you referring to to Mr. Myers, or the people who miss the satire?

  8. pete says:

    “I find it disturbing enough that people have been studying sex on Earth for so long”

    It may disturb you even more to know that people have been having sex on Earth for thousands of years! Sexual reproduction itself has been around for millions! Studying sex is a good thing. Through studying sex we’ve learned of it’s various physical, emotional and psychological impacts. More knowledge is a good thing.

    “The sexual act should be performed only by married couples in an attempt to breed.”

    I completely disagree with you here, but as you’ve made quite clear that this is what you believe, there’s no point in arguing it. I would ask you, though, to point to a few lines from the Bible in support of this. And I wonder what you think of pleasure seeking dolphins who engage in the “carnal sin” without any intent to breed.

    “This is why I support abstinence-only sex education.”

    First, we don’t teach kids about sex. They know about it. At least they think they do. When they find out that their friend had sex and didn’t have a baby or get AIDS and die, they feel betrayed. They learn that adults are full of it.

    “I call them atheists.”

    Great strong-arm tactic. Either you agree with me or you’re not Christian. I should hope that life, morality, and religion are more complicated than any of else will ever understand.

    But I am an atheist. And, contrary to popular belief, atheists have morals as well (gasp!). In this case, however, they certainly don’t align with your.

    Quoting Steven Roberts,
    “I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.”

  9. jere7my says:

    Jon, what’s your stance on aliens? It seems to me that, once we get naked in space, the incidence of anal probing will only increase. Anal probing is basically sex—and, worse, it’s the kind of sex that involves bottoms and probes. This is extra-hot, and therefore extra-sinful. I think this is a serious concern for all Christian astrophobes, but I seek your insights.

  10. jonmyersiii says:

    Jere7my, I would first like to thank you for your question and offer my condolences. I find it tragic that your parents would put a number in your name.

    I am of the belief that anal probing is always wrong, even when done in the name of medicine (such as in the case of a colonoscopy). And aliens doing it — if they exist, which I’m not sure about, by the way (I know someone who claims she was abducted, but she’s not even a Baptist, so who knows how reliable her testimony is) — is even more wrong.

    Also, gross.

  11. nippon says:

    bravo, pete.

  12. Miss December says:

    ….Man-goo floating in space, I’ll admit, certainly doesn’t sound terribly romantic. Perhaps their (Boing Boing’s) trivial references to the human anatomy is what, er, turned you off. I will tell you this. I do have sex….almost daily, with my husband. We are both Christians. We both place God first in our lives.

    I don’t feel like love and intimacy is a sin, however. It brings you closer to a human being than you can ever imagine. When you can love freely and openly with another human being, you become in touch with emotions you never knew existed.

    There was a time in my life (before I had sex), I could more relate to your views. But sex will create more love (and feelings of) in your life than almost anything I can think of. It’s sensational. It’s indescribable. This truly is an emotion you’ll never completely understand until you do it. Similar to a Christian-a believer, trying to explain the enormity of God’s grace to a non-believer.
    …..they just don’t “get it.” Or at least they don’t connect to those feelings in the way you do.

    Same with sex. It’s just one of those things in life you can never truly understand until you do it and deal with the rush of emotions first hand.

    That being said, I do not claim to know the bible word for word. Did God “allegedly” say “absolutely no sex with your husband/wife unless your sole purpose is to make babies?” My husband has had a vasectomy….I’m 37. Does that mean I should never have sex with him again? Ever? I should just take my ball and go home, so to speak?

    Is it possible we have misinterpreted His “alleged” word? I think, for argument’s sake, one should at least entertain the idea we could have misinterpreted somewhere along the way. It is, after all, all about love!

  13. jere7my says:

    Miss December, I find your story about your husband to be laughable in the extreme. You caught yourself up in your lies—if you are indeed “Miss” December, you can’t be married! Ha! Wiggle your way out of THAT one! I don’t think Jon appreciates liberals posing as Christians posting here, certainly not if they’re pageant winners of loose morals as you appear to be.

    Whatever God allegedly said or didn’t say about sex, he certainly was very clear about vasectomies. Try reading Maccabees for a change, and see how your imaginary husband feels about the penalties.

  14. jared says:

    Alan Boyle was quoting Vanna Bonta, one of the presenters and it’s just physics, people. >> ” Sex in space would likely be “hotter and wetter” than on Earth […] because in zero-G there is no natural convection to carry away body heat. “

  15. Miss December says:

    Mr. jere7my….
    Miss December….The December portion refers to the month in which I was born and the Miss portions refers to my southern upbringing. (we call everyone Mr. or Sir and Miss or Maam’) And this coming from a person who has a number in his name! I am not a pageant winner of any type (although I could be if I wanted to!) I choose not to.

    Also, I was not aware of the fact that I am a liberal…but, are liberals not “allowed” to be Christians? Sheesh, this “Christian” club sure is hard to get into, huh?

    I have a very real husband….remember, I touch him every day….gasp! And I am truly mortified that he will burn in hell because he had a vasectomy due to the fact that we have a “special needs” child that requires every ounce of our energy. In this particular situation, devoting time to other siblings would not benefit our son. Do I want more babies? Absolutely! Should I have more babies? Probably not. I have a son that needs every ounce of me and my husband. It was a decison that was best for our family.

    Would it feel more proper to you Mr. 7 if I addressed myself at “Ms.” December? (or should I call you Jere? or Remy? Or does Mr. 7 work for you? :) I’ll consider your Maccabees reading recommendation….that must be where I learn to be a judgmental Christian. Either way, I DO love you Mr. 7….I suppose that’s how we “southern Christians” roll!

  16. jere7my says:

    Well, Mrs. D, I appreciate that you love me, as I am quite adorable. However, make sure you keep your feminine temptations to yourself! When you love someone, as you love me, it is sometimes difficult to keep from sexing them up, and as Jon has made perfectly clear sex is only for husbands and wives when they’re trying to make a baby. Torrid internet romances are not part of the equation, however tempting I might be! So stop trying to make me form lascivious pictures of you in my mind, Mrs. could-be-a-pageant-winner-if-you-wanted! (Although I confess I like the idea of being called “Sir”, and might be available if you simply must have another baby.)

    Liberals like yourself might claim to be Christians, but of course they can’t be. Jesus was a Republican, as the Bible makes perfectly clear (read First Metonymy!). Republicans are trying to support everything Jesus tried to do—tax cuts for the rich, banning the burning of the American flag (although back then, of course, it was the Jesus flag, with no stars and ONE BIG CROSS), invading Iraq (which Jesus and his “army of twelve” did in 22AD!). It’s the liberals who try to weaken America by feeding the poor and “turning the other cheek”. (That’s a phrase first popularized by Ben Franklin, one of the first Democrats!)

    Despite your obvious liberal muddle-headedness, there seems to be hope for you—you seem like a darn good mom. Just stop touching your husband.

  17. missdecember says:

    So the question for you is this, Mr. 7….If I stop touching my husband and change my moniker, will I then be a Republican, a non-liberal, and Christian? Perhaps this is why we are not on the same page here. I can love you, but not love you romantically. Hell, I love chocolate, dearly! I don’t partake in sexual activity with it though. I do reserve the right to, however, in the future should the situation call for it.

    There is no one human being on this earth that loves God more than I do. Perhaps as much, but not more. For me, my love for Him is infinite and all-consuming. Can I not be a girl-girl Christian human being and love sex and intimacy?

    As always, I am eager to learn. Please tell me the quote in the bible where God tells us to only have sex with the intention of babies. Jeremy, I’m 37. Do you think I can live without that much needed human interaction the rest of my life? Look at poor Jon, he’s tortured by it. He’d rather eat garbage and smoke so his, uh, ding-ding don’t get hard. (worded that way because we are on much a PG rating here where sex and anatomy are looked upon as sinful!)

    Shouldn’t we be more relieved that I live my life by the Golden Rule. Do I love sex? You better believe it. More than chocolate. Would I do anything to hurt anyone in this world? Absolutely not! I sincerely feel God feels like that as well. You’re very uptight about this.

    I truly appreciate the fact that you are willing to be my “baby daddy” and will take it under strong consideration should I choose to follow your advice of not touching my husband and he leaves me do to the lack of intimacy. But for now, I’ll love you like I love chocolate. Very much so, just not in a sexual way.

    Kisses, from one good girl (no matter what you say! ha!) to a good boy.

  18. jere7my says:

    Wait a minute—now, the Bible is VERY clear on the concept of girl-girl sex and intimacy! You didn’t mention the girl-girl part before. Girl-girl intimacy is particularly bad when accompanied by chocolate! Or whipped cream! H-e-double-hockey-sticks has a special room for people like you, and we will look down from heaven and watch. (I understand it’ll be on PPV.)

    I have come to the conclusion that you are a Jezebel, placed here to tempt me from the straight and narrow path of nicotine-laced celibacy that Jon has placed me on. In the interest of “know thy enemy,” I think it would help me to resist temptation if you sent along some photos (possibly involving chocolate). It’s hard to know what to steel myself against when I don’t know what part of myself I should be steeling.

    Also, Ding Dongs only get hard if you take off the cellophane wrappers and let them sit on the shelf for too long. Inside their hermetically sealed packaging, they’ll stay fresh for years. I really think you should see someone about this chocolate fetish—as the Bible says (in Ezekiel), “Touch not the bean of the cacao, the liver of the grunion, or the hair of the shopkeeper.”

  19. missdecember says:

    Yikes, sorry 7. One typo and I became gay! (girl-girl versus good-girl) I think that’s a gag too. But I wouldn’t look down upon you if you were gay either. And I hate to open up another can on you here, but I’m assuming you think homosexuality is a choice. (the answer……yes, for some a choice, for others….not so sure.)

    kisses! Jezebel

  20. jere7my says:

    Homosexuality is ALWAYS a choice—except for those times when someone has had a little too much to drink and trips over the dirty laundry and into the bed of their college roommate, who was sleeping in the raw ONLY because the air conditioner was broken, and one thing led to another, and now they have to avoid each other at reunions. In those cases, homosexuality is an accident. But, and let me be perfectly clear, that doesn’t make you gay, however many times it happened sophomore year. (College students are so bad about picking up laundry.) Gaydom requires a conscious choice—and if you haven’t made that choice, anything you may or may not have done can’t make you gay.

    I will accept your kisses, but if your tongue gets involved I shall have to decry you.

  21. Bender says:

    Jon,
    I would like to know once and for all if you are be serious or satirical. If you are being satirical, I think you’re confusing a lot of people. And if you’re being serious, you make me mad.
    yay for anominity.

  22. jere7my says:

    I think it’s safe to say Jon is exactly as serious as I am. We’re both proud Americans, engaging in a proud American tradition.

    If he were being satirical, he would let us know—by linking to liberal blogs, for instance, or putting a smiley face at the bottom of his blog.

  23. missdecember says:

    Not always true, 7. My first cousin who is technically a male started to develop during puberty as a female. Breast, hips, and all the other good stuff that comes with being a woman. Only he was a boy. He is now 48 years old. He’s too ashamed to be a gay person, so he’s….nothing. No love life. No special person. No one to share his feelings with. He’s trapped in a body that was developing as a girl, but technically a boy.

    He’s attracted to men. He’s attracted to everything feminine. But too ashamed to act upon it. So he is a lonely, confused, sad man. My heart breaks for him. This is the reason I think sometimes “gay” isn’t a choice.

    If your sophomore experience doesn’t make you gay, what does it make you? Experimental? An extrovert? A hipocrite? Just curious……

    Does that same logic apply to me going out and stealing all the clothes I like, during sophomore year no doubt, but only be experimenting…so technically I wouldn’t be a thief?

    If chromosomes were perfect, there would be no one with Down’s syndrome in this world.

  24. jere7my says:

    Of course, there are no people with Down’s Syndrome in the world. Don’t believe the vast left-wing conspiracy! They invented Down’s Syndrome in the 50s to artificially boost the funding for the World Health Organization (and the Church of Satan, but that connection would take too long to explain here). Chromosomes are perfect, as the expression of God’s hand in our bodies—if genes were imperfect or changeable, then you’d get crazy things like a gradual accumulation of small changes leading to the evolution of new species under the pressures of natural selection. And we all know that’s impossible!

    As to your questions, I like to consider myself “outgoing and affectionate,” but I don’t see why I should explain myself to a confessed thief like yourself! (Although I bet you have a lovely wardrobe now.)

  25. jake says:

    um…i really hope this website is a joke because enjoying sex is noy a sin, fundy.

  26. jake says:

    i am a proud left-winger at the age of 15 who loves to say fuck and loves to watch porn. those of you who just had heart-attacks, those are the people this site is making fun of. living in an almost entirely republican area, i love the internet for people who share the same views i do. i think i just found my new favorite website. even if this site isnt a joke, i still will think its really funny. btw, all you people responding to this guy who havent gotten the joke yet, why dont you just go watch some nascar.
    sincerely,
    not prejudiced (except against idiots)

  27. k says:

    Miss December,

    Your cousin isn’t gay, he’s female. Biologically, we all start out as females, but male hormones turn some of us into males (that is an extremely simplistic way of putting it, but it explains the basics). That seems to have started with your cousin, but didn’t complete for some reason. In his case, I would consider a penis, if he has one, as a deformity and advise him to just have it surgically shaped into a vagina, which is obviously what he was meant to have. If people can be born with extra fingers, they can be born with deformed sex organs, too.

    I hope he decided one day to just have the surgery. He’s just correcting a deformed appendage.

    BTW, I’m a Christian. I only say that because I want you to know I’m giving you advice from the standpoint of someone who loves God and am not trying to make fun or anything.

  28. Stig says:

    “The sex act should only be performed by married couples in an attempt to breed.”

    Ah, this brought me back to the days of sex education classes taught by priests. You see, they’d never had sex either — or at least they shouldn’t have, as their job description forbade it.

    I never asked “says who?”, but I think it was the Pope (asking a question like that would have been suicidal, even smiling during the lesson was dangerous).

    They also made a big deal about sex — because they spent so much time thinking about it, and they would never have that “is that it?” moment.

    Really kids, it’s not worth all the discussion. Just do it. Or not.

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