According to a Reuters article (which you can find here), written by Amy Norton, “[m]aintaining a healthy weight [and] not smoking” may “reduce the risk of developing erectile disfunction.” This, “according to a study that followed more than 22,000 U.S. men for 14 years.”

Now, I could never get myself to smoke — I tried, but I never found a cigarette I could tolerate — but I do maintain an unhealthy weight and have for some time. And I intend to continue to do so — because of the benefit stated above.

I’m sure many of you are thinking, But Jon, according to what you just quoted, smoking and obesity have a negative effect.

If that’s what you are thinking, it’s because you don’t know how to think outside the box (that’s a double entendre, you know, referring secondarily to the vagina).

Sure, smoking and obesity cause health problems. Sure, one is directly linked to lung cancer and the other is directly linked to heart disease. But I maintain that those things are a small price to pay for the main benefit, and it is in fact the main benefit of smoking and obesity which I quoted above: “erectile disfunction.”

When a word like “disfunction” is used to describe something, it’s tempting to think it’s bad, which is why I call smoking and obesity “flaccidity enhancers.” That’s right, I take the sex-crazed bias of the liberal media and spin it around on them! Flaccidity enhancers are an important part of the life of good Christians, because everyone is tempted to sin, especially sexually — what with all those half exposed dirty pillows on billboards and television, young women walking around Knoxville in short skirts, legs exposed and shaved and silky smooth, so you just want to run up and tackle them and start licking their legs furiously and taste the salt of their sweat in your mouth. Yes, everyone is tempted to sin. And flaccidity enhancers — when working properly — might not ensure spiritual purity, but they do ensure sexual purity. And as all Christians know, that is the most important purity there is.

So I say to all single Christian men: Light up! Eat that hamburger! And then eat a second one for God.



  1. tepidpond says:

    As a practicing pagan, I support this article.

    All you Christians just gorge yourselves on fatty foods and nicotine! Stay sexually pure! Meanwhile we’ll be dating the cheerleaders of not only Knoxville, but the whole planet.

  2. jonmyersiii says:

    So you’re a “pagan,” which, if I recall correctly, means don’t eat meat. I’m pretty sure you’re still allowed to smoke. Also, peanuts have a lot of oil in them — though I’m not sure if it’s a “good” oil. I am sure there are plenty of fattening vegetables — cows aren’t exactly skinny and that’s all they eat.

    God bless you!

  3. jere7my says:

    You are a credit to the Colbert Nation, Mr. Myers. Tip o’ the hat!

  4. Ted says:

    Yeah. I’m going to keep reading this blog. Good on you, Jon.

  5. Hayes says:

    Have you considered chemical castration? It’s painless easy and reversible should you ever meet a lovely young lady as disgusted by sex as you are.

  6. Dr. Longlove says:

    Never give up the fight!

  7. damit says:

    Jon, hun! what does your god say about your lusty little thoughts?

    Jon, my son, You have never fornicated with your neighbor’s wife,

    you only thought about it 456 times a day. you are holly my son!

    Enter my kingdom. Do you ever think about women licking you? And

    did you know fat smokers get erect!

  8. Miss December says:

    What about treating your body as a temple? As a woman, I am certain I can not tell you how to obtain, and maintain, flaccidity as my experience has proven I have the opposite effect of that reaction upon the male species. Perhaps mind over matter? Perhaps not deny it at all, just don’t act upon it. I feel strongly that God will not look upon you with shame because your penis is erect. Is He not the one who gave your body the ability to do so in the first place?

    Perhaps He may be sadden by the fact that He gave us these amazing bodies, and we continually mistreat out “temples” with this fatty food you speak of. According to your Christian standards, both (erect penis and fatty foods) should be far, far from your mind.

    A cheeseburger doesn’t make lust null and void. One does not, or should not, replace the other.

    For most of us, the ole’ “temple” ain’t what it used to be….What I do know for sure is I will respect mine as much as I possibly can!

  9. Michelle says:

    All I can say is I hope you are getting your self ready for Jesus’ return. He is comming back to claim His flock. I hope that you will be one of His flock. I would hate to see you be sent away from Him because you never really took the time to know Jesus. You need to study the Bible, confess your sins, repent and be baptized in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ who died on the Cross you and me. To save us from an eternal life in the lake of fire. May be to like the heat. I don’t know. If the life you live now is the life you want. Brother or sister I pray for you to change the ways of your heart and follow Jesus. For your sake. You have to make that choice now in this life. You don’t know when you will die. When the last page in your chapter will turn. And when it does, there will be no second chance to do what is right in the eyes of the father. If you believe in the Ten Commandments, let me ask you this. And be honest with your self for once. Have you ever told a lie? Any kind of lie. If so what does that make you. Yes, that makes you a lier. Have you ever stole any thing at any time in your life? Waht does that make you? Yes, saddly a thief. Have you ever looked at a woman or a man and lusted for them? If the answer is yes, then that makes you an adulterer. So then by your own comments, you are a lying, thief and an adaultrer and you will burn in the lake of fire. Because that is where God will send the evil doers. If you disobey God, He will send you away. He does not want disobediant people in His Kingodom. If you go to court for really bad drug crimes and the Judge says $50,000 dollers bail and you say, I don’t have that. Then your punishment is prison. But what if some one you didn’t know comes in and pays that fine for you. The fine is lifted and you are set free. It’s the same thing with Jesus. He came and paid the fine for you when he died on the cross so that you could be free. Just because you know of him and you do good deeds doesn’t make you free to go to Heaven. You are still a sinner because you have not given your life to God. I beg you as a friend, before you go to bed tonight, pray to the Father and ask him to forgive you of your sins. Ask Him to help you. Find a church that you can feel at home in and study the Bible with some one to day. Be for the clock stops ticking. The Bible is our lifes instruction manual. Even to this day. Please won’t you consider a new eternal life with Jesus? I don’t know you, but I love you enough to tell you this. So now you know and you can never say to God that you didn’t. Because then you would be lying to the Creater who made you. May God bless you, your spouse and your children.

  10. Dave says:

    It sounds as if you are a very active member of the United Pentecostal church. They preach wrongly that a person must be baptised in Jesus name to be saved. The problem lies in their inability to rightly divide the words “save” and “perfect.” We are justified in the spirit the moment we receive Christ, sanctified in the soul daily as we give ourselves to God’s work in our lives, and our bodies will be glorified in the last day. Justification is by faith alone, not by works of righteousness which we have done. Sanctification, which is the area in which we are able to earn reward to be received in the next life, has nothing to do with justification. They are distinctly separate works. In other words, our salvation is threefold: justification for the spirit, sanctification for the soul, and glorification for the body.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: