According to a Reuters article (which you can find here), written by Amy Norton, “[m]aintaining a healthy weight [and] not smoking” may “reduce the risk of developing erectile disfunction.” This, “according to a study that followed more than 22,000 U.S. men for 14 years.”
Now, I could never get myself to smoke — I tried, but I never found a cigarette I could tolerate — but I do maintain an unhealthy weight and have for some time. And I intend to continue to do so — because of the benefit stated above.
I’m sure many of you are thinking, But Jon, according to what you just quoted, smoking and obesity have a negative effect.
If that’s what you are thinking, it’s because you don’t know how to think outside the box (that’s a double entendre, you know, referring secondarily to the vagina).
Sure, smoking and obesity cause health problems. Sure, one is directly linked to lung cancer and the other is directly linked to heart disease. But I maintain that those things are a small price to pay for the main benefit, and it is in fact the main benefit of smoking and obesity which I quoted above: “erectile disfunction.”
When a word like “disfunction” is used to describe something, it’s tempting to think it’s bad, which is why I call smoking and obesity “flaccidity enhancers.” That’s right, I take the sex-crazed bias of the liberal media and spin it around on them! Flaccidity enhancers are an important part of the life of good Christians, because everyone is tempted to sin, especially sexually — what with all those half exposed dirty pillows on billboards and television, young women walking around Knoxville in short skirts, legs exposed and shaved and silky smooth, so you just want to run up and tackle them and start licking their legs furiously and taste the salt of their sweat in your mouth. Yes, everyone is tempted to sin. And flaccidity enhancers — when working properly — might not ensure spiritual purity, but they do ensure sexual purity. And as all Christians know, that is the most important purity there is.
So I say to all single Christian men: Light up! Eat that hamburger! And then eat a second one for God.