WOMEN ARE EVIL

I met a girl at church last Sunday. Her name is Rebbecca. She was very flirtatious with her eyes. She looked at me funny when I was trying to sing hymns. It distracted me. It confused me. I am fat, I am obnoxious — I know these things, I embrace them. Why was this pretty girl giving me “the eye”?

After church, she walked up to me and she said, “Hi, I’m Rebbecca.”

“Jon Myers,” I said.

“I know. I’ve read some of your writing.”

Was this why she was talking to me?

“I was wondering,” she said, “and I know this is forward, if you might want to go out tonight.”

This had never happened to me before. Usually, I walk toward a woman — just any woman — on the sidewalk, and she quickly crosses the street, glancing at me nervously. Normally, I sit down in one of the pews in church, and everyone, women and men both, slide to the opposite side, turning the bench into a very unbalanced teeter-totter. Normally, when my mom has gatherings of friends, she makes me stay in the garage.

And yet here was this pretty girl and she was asking me out.

“Okay,” I said. “But I don’t have a job. I’m a student.”

She said it didn’t matter, she would pay.

We went out that night. And then the next night.

And then the next night.

We talked. I found myself attracted to her. Sexually. I couldn’t believe it. The guilt. I remembered Paul saying it is better to marry than to burn — but I was just burning and burning for Rebbecca with no chance of marriage in sight. Plus, I don’t think sex should be used recreationally, even if one is married. That’s what Kirk Cameron films are for: entertainment. Not sex. Wait, I meant Kirk Cameron films are for entertainment, and that sex is not for entertainment. I did not mean that Kirk Cameron films are, themselves, not for sex, though that too is true.

Where was I?

Right. I don’t think sex should be used recreationally, even if one is married. But here I was so attracted to Rebbecca, and I wanted to have sex with her. But I knew she would never permit that, despite her mild — and surely brief — infatuation with me. But then last night, we were sitting on her couch watching LEFT BEHIND: WORLD AT WAR, and she turned to me, and she said, “Jon, has anyone ever told you how sexy you are?”

“No,” I said, truthfully. “No one’s even hinted at it.”

She put her hand on my thigh.

I felt something stirring beneath my corduroy.

I swallowed.

“Well, you are. And you know what else?” she said.

“What?”

She leaned forward and kissed my mouth. I had eaten some garlic fries before we watched the movie and I was very self-conscious about it, but she didn’t seem to notice, perhaps thanks to the Altoids I had eaten afterwards.

Anyway, after kissing me she said, “I want to take your virginity.”

I stood up quickly, knocking Rebbecca over. She hit her head on the coffee table. She said the eff word. Twice. “Fuck,” she said, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

And then I knew, I undestood completely. She was only pretending to be a Christian.

“How did you know I was a virgin?” I asked.

“My head is bleeding.”

“How did you know?”

“You wrote about it.”

“Is that the only reason you wanted to go out with me?”

“I just thought it would be funny,” she said. “You’re so self righteous. Really, you’re just such a little shit. I thought it would be funny to prove to you that you’re human too.”

“You think sin is funny!?” I shouted. The entire situation was compounded by Kirk Cameron on the television screen.

“I don’t think sex is a sin,” she said.

“Get out!” I shouted. “Just get out of here!”

“It’s my apartment,” she said.

“Fine,” I said, “then I’m leaving!”

“Good, you fat-assed little shit.”

I walked to the door, grabbed the knob, pulled. It didn’t move. The devil was holding me in here with this evil woman, holding me here, trying to make me sin. I shook the door, yanked as hard as I could, but it wouldn’t budge. Oh, darn you, Satan!

“The dead bolt, Jon,” Rebbecca said.

I stopped, unlocked the dead bolt and opened the door. I walked out. I couldn’t say anything. My face felt hot and cold simultaneously. I walked home. I couldn’t expect Rebbecca to drive me home after what happened.

When I got home, my mom was in the kitchen doing the dishes. She asked how my night went but I couldn’t even stand to tell her. I just grabbed a quart of ice cream and headed out to the garage. I forgot a spoon, but I didn’t want to see my mom — a woman — again, so I just scooped it out with my fingers. Rebbecca had fooled me. For an entire week, all I could do was think about her. I thought I might marry her and make babies. And then I found, she had no interest in me at all. She just wanted to have sex with me to prove a point.

Oh, women. They are just evil. From Eve on down. Every single one off them.

If it wasn’t a sin, I might turn gay.

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21 Responses to WOMEN ARE EVIL

  1. doris says:

    Wow!! You are the actual polar opposite to every man I know!! In fact a lot of people I know too.

    Rebecca sounds like a cow. I wouldn’t let her change your opinion of the entire gender though! That is a bit unfair and irrational, don’t you think?

    I am really interested in what your goals are in life?

  2. Akimbo says:

    My brother,
    You have been saved in the nick of time. That girl was not just any girl. I think she calls herself an atheist, while she is actually an instrument of the Bad One. It is quite a feat for such a person to enter a church and endure a ceremony. And all that just to tease a god fearing, healthy American man.
    This woman should be thoroughly helped. By specialised men in aprons. Sprinkling Holy Water all over her. And her T shirt. So that she’s all wet. And then spank her with the Cross.
    Errr…
    I think I’ll continue my Kirk Cameron movie for now.
    Confusing stuff…

  3. Dr. Reginald Smith, Ph.D. says:

    Jon,

    You are an inspiration to all of us out there who are saving ourselves for marriage. I fell, once, because I couldn’t hold it in my hands anymore without wondering just what it would feel like to, well, I’m sure you get the rest.

    I admire you, Jon. You’re a strong man, and I tip my hat to you.

    What flavor ice cream, by the way?

  4. Son, count your blessings and go to church more often. That girl was haunted and only your highly devolved sense of the ‘beyond’ got your sorry ass out of that home in one piece. And your virginity in tact. That’s more than Xenu can say.

  5. Trevor says:

    Rebbecca, you whore. You should be whipped witht he cat of nine tails. Tempting a brother like that. I otta kick your ass.

  6. Anthony says:

    My goodness. I can’t believe all you people calling yourself Christians are talking about this woman so violently. YOu should all be ashamed of your selves. So a person did something the fat guy didn’t like, I can’t believe you all would jump to such violent, angry and hateful conclusions.You should really evaluate how hateful you all are. And never forget that Christianity is based on Jesus, a peaceful man who loved all people. I thought you were Christians?

  7. Eric Toupin says:

    What happened to the body being a temple? Stop drowning your sorrows in ice cream you fucking lardass. You would have been one of the first to go during the crusades you pathetic fuck. Who’s army are you fighting for anyway?

  8. Eric Toupin says:

    I’ve been reminded by a peer that name calling is a particularly ugly and ineffective practice. So I’m sorry about the lardass and pathetic fuck comments. Truly. Fanatical belief structures aside, ice cream is only going to aggravate your weight problem. Consider the following: 1. The only thing you are guaranteed possession of and control over in this life is your body 2. Whether you like it or not people form preliminary judgments of your character and intentions based on your appearance 3. The old testament mentions several old laws based on establishing and maintaining health and bodily cleanliness (willing to prove this if you disagree) 4. In the 21st century obesity surpassed tobacco use as the leading cause of self imposed death in the United States. That’s all I got.

  9. paul says:

    Read Proverbs 5.

    It is a similar story.

    Keep away from those evil women.

  10. doh says:

    You shoulda got a head job that dont count right?

  11. UGK says:

    Is this story for real? If it is, then it goes to show how dangerous women really are. Most men just dont realise that their wives/girlfriends think of them as a dog on a leash, something to be controlled and manipulated.

  12. Twib says:

    I can’t believe you all don’t understand this is a parody. Put on? anyone?

  13. Oliver says:

    Was Rebbecca doing anything wrong? Sure she may have been an atheist and wanted sex, but what was wrong with that? I am an atheist and what she was doing wasn’t evil. I mean really, not being Christian didn’t mean you had to hurt her. Poor thing. You Christians must learn to be like your Jesus. I mean seriously, would Jesus have hurt her? If you likde her so much you wouldn’t let religion hurt her, you would simply talk to her and explain how you didn’t want sex. Its you who is the evil one really.

  14. Geebus says:

    Jon,

    I dunno how to break this to ya, but you are a homosexual.

  15. Roger says:

    If your a Bible believing Christian then sex outside of marriage is wrong…See 1st Thessalonians 4:3.

    You did the right thing in getting out of there.

  16. Kyle says:

    Wow. You did great, man. Perfect response. If you would have slept with her… all that you write about would have been a lie. Good job, man, I can’t say it enough. You had a victory there, for sure. Kudos forever, for real.

  17. Judas Priest says:

    After a long, arduous day at work, I greatly enjoyed reading this wonderful example of disfunctional religion. I nearly wet my khakis. Oh, by the way, if you do believe the Bible, and you’ve read it, you would know that sex was created by God for man’s pleasure. Educate yourself by reading the Song of Solomon. I may be an athiest, but I know the Bible front to back. There’s nothing worse than an mindless, uneducated “Christian” zealot.

  18. Judas Priest says:

    Oh, by the way, this story is a brilliant parody! I laugh harder every time I read it!

  19. Devil's Advocate says:

    I absolutely disagree with everything any of you have said. Except for Judas Priest stating it was good for a laugh. That it was, but probably not for the same reason he thinks it was. Anyways, MY main point here is this:

    What kind of world do we live in that nobody can trust in themselves; that they have to have a belief in a false higher power or being (who nobody can ever prove exists)? Why is enjoying life considered sinning to those unfortunate, sad masses? Religion and finding God are only, in my opinion, for the weak-minded, lesser beings of the Earth and not for those of us with intelligence and free will. IF God didn’t want us to fuck, why give us the appropriate parts. Why should we not indulge in the pleasantries of our planet and our bodies?

    Since none of you are man enough to have fucked that bitch Rebecca when she begged for it, you are sad folks indeed. Send her my way and I’ll gladly show her the time of her life if she so desires.

    Sex is not the sin, marrying someone you’ve never tasted the fruits of is the only sin here. Why not try it before you buy it?

  20. […] I’m presented with the shrewish caricature of a woman and my initial reaction is I’m not like that, I’m part of the problem. I’m part of the […]

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