PERSONAL UPDATE

I know I haven’t posted for a long time, and for that I am deeply sorry. How deeply? Real deeply. If my remorse was a hole, it’d be about seventeen feet deep. Maybe eighteen.

I know it’s no excuse, but with school and my job at Hot Dog on a Stick I have been impossibly busy. But I now have a little reprieve from school, as I have been expelled (more on that in a moment), and so I thought I would pop in with a new post, update on my life, and maybe, with the Dumbocrats having evilled their way into both houses of congress,  I can even pick up where I left off in more posts, since, with school no longer a concern, I have a bit more free time on my hands.

As I said, I have been expelled from school. I can’t go into great detail, as I signed an agreement with the college that I would not discuss the matter, and I try to be an honest Christian, so I’ll just say this: I have — had, in fact; the past tense is important — a roommate who got Tom Waits’s new album, which is called Orphans, and he was listening to it while I was trying to do my homework, and I suddenly felt this chill in my bones. I had never heard Tom Waits before, nor had I heard of him, but I knew immediately I was hearing the voice of Satan (“Well, they call me William the Pleaser / I sold opium, fireworks and lead / Now I’m tellin’ my troubles to strangers / When the shadows get long I’ll be dead,” he sings in a voice that sounds like the bubbles that surface in a tar pit), so I picked up the boom box on which the album was playing — moved like a puppet by the power of God — and I threw it through a window. It stopped the music. It also fell two storeys and hit an important faculty member on the head, putting him into a coma for three weeks. When I explained what happened, I voiced my opinion that, since I was obviously moved by the power of God, God wanted this person to be put into a coma — for reasons obviously beyond our understanding — and who were we to question God, but for whatever reason, stupidity is my guess, the dean did not quite follow my argument, and my academic career at the bible college was finished.

Truth was obviously too much for the dean, and he turned his back on it in favor of “reality.” As I walked out the door, still emoting my protests, the dean even said, “Maybe God wants you to be expelled, for reasons beyond your understanding,” but since he wasn’t moved by the power of God, that was obviously crap he was spewing.

When will people learn that they can’t just say something is God’s will, it has to be true? It was obviously God’s will that I throw a boom box out a window; my being expelled for it was the dean’s choice.

That the dean of a bible college turned his back on God only goes to show how corrupt this world has become.

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12 Responses to PERSONAL UPDATE

  1. Amanda says:

    This blog may be a joke but I’ll respond to it seriously just in case it isn’t and a brother needs some rebuking.

    I’m pretty sure that God would have wanted you to turn off the radio and leave it sit on the counter. By trashing the radio (and the teacher’s face) you are not being a very good steward of the things God gave us. Moreso, violent acts do not show Christ’s love but a rebellion within ourselves against peace. It would never be God’s will for you to put someone into a coma and show no remorse for your conduct.

    I guess it might be a problem too that you are saying that the dean of your school has turned his back on God. Not to say that men can’t go against God (as we do everyday) but I think he deserves some respect for the position that God has placed him in and the wisdom that God has given him in handling matters of discipline within the school. It is not right to say that a person has gone against God because you do not like the way a situation turned out. God is the judge of the living and the perishing.

    Hoping this is a joke.
    Amanda

  2. What in the hell is wrong with Tom Waits?

  3. vil says:

    You’re deeply sorry for not updating your blog, but show no signs of remorse for almost killing someone? You can’t be for real … keep up the good work …

  4. Rémi says:

    “It was obviously God’s will that I throw a boom box out a window; my being expelled for it was the dean’s choice.”

    How was it OBVIOUSLY god’s will that you throw a “boom box” out a window (because I am not following you’re logic) ? The Dean made a good choice.

    “Maybe God wants you to be expelled, for reasons beyond your understanding.”

    As for that quote, more power to the Dean. You can’t justify your own stupidity with the name of the lord. You threw a “boom box,” as you call it, out a window and put a person in a coma for three weeks. Not only should you have been expelled, you should be arrested; arrested and never allowed to return to that school again, because you’re obviously loco.

    To think that there are people out there who try to justify their INSANE actions with the name of some god makes me nervous; they should be put away immediately. Tomorrow, you may hurt someone else and when the police question you, you’ll tell them you’ve acted as a submissive string-puppet to some god. They won’t take that as an excuse because of a little thing called the separation of church and state. Not to mention reality. Not everyone believes in god, and the only thing left from which to work is reality. The reality of your situation is that you hurled a “boom box” out a window and injured a person. That is real-ly crazy.

    As for Tom Waits, his songs are always a great listen; his voice is interesting; the lyrics form a great poem that you obviously fail to understand. Oh, and at this very moment, I’m listening to the song that you threw from a window. It’s just great.

  5. danby says:

    Tom Waits certainly is satanic. I had to buy Orphans on its UK date of release, just so that it didn’t fall into the hands of some poor naive liberal kid, who might take ideas from the evil Waits spreads in his songs. I had to buy the special edition too. It’s even more dangerous.

    Since then I’ve harmed several innocent people as a result of my proximity to this harmful music.
    And after all, music is the music of the devil.
    Oh the trials of the righteous.

  6. rob says:

    I love tom waits and the song you refer to. You must be some kind of freak.

  7. Brandon S. says:

    Ironically, Tom Waits actually inspired me to look for faith.

    Who is the dean to know the motives of God? Who are you? It’s easy to think you’re doing God’s will because it feels as though that’s the case. Look for wisdom. Read the book of Proverbs and listen to Tom Waits’ song “Come on up to the House” and see if you still feel the same way about things.

  8. Feeble says:

    Hahahaha what gives you the right to throw someones property out of a window? In the name of something that doesn’t have any scientific proof. I suppose medicine was invented by god on his mighty cloud in the sky. Funny he hasn’t had a rocket up his ass with all the stuff we manage to send into space.

    Be brave and reject the false faith my friend and listen to swordfish trombones.

    Scientist xx

  9. William the Pleaser says:

    Seems perfect, glad I could help you on your way through life.

  10. Rye Crow says:

    HOLY SHIT!!! YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A BRAIN WASHED MORON!!! God wanted you to act out in violence and misunderstanding? Really? Taking such rash, destructive action sounds like the work of a devil preying on a weak willed idiot. I just want to leave a couple quotes from Tom Waits songs here for you to read (hopefully) and realize how foolish you are (again, hopefully)
    “Well, I know I got religion, Lord knows I’m not ashamed, Well, a holy ghost is my witness, And the angels done sign my name, I know I’ve been changed” from the song “Lord Knows I’ve Been Changed” off the album “Orphans” the same fucking album that caused you to behave like a brainless heathen.
    “You can put all of my possessions here in Jesus’ name, Nail a sign on the door, Bright and early Sunday morning with my walking cane, I’m going up to see my Lord” Also from the album “Orphans”
    “I’m a true believer, I’m a true believer, believer, Ain’t goin’ down, Ain’t goin’ down,Momma to the well, momma to the well, momma to the well, Momma to the well, no more” from…. “Orphans” that’s right, again!
    “I know Jesus gonna be here, he’s gonna be here soon, well I’m not gonna do nothin’ but wait here, I don’t have to shoat, I got me no reason, and I got no doubt.” “Jesus Gonna be Here” off the album “Bone Machine” One more:
    “If you walk with Jesus, He’s gonna save your soul, You got to keep the devil, Way down in a hole” from “Way Down in the Hole” off of “Frank’s Wild Years”
    In conclusion you’re a cunt. You should’ve thrown yourself out of that window instead and done the world a favor. Asshole. Fuck you. Hail Satan!

  11. Cathasach says:

    Have any of you ever heard of Poe’s law? I think this might be a good example. In particular, the quotations around “reality” makes me think this is parody. If so, nicely done!

    P.S. I was listening to “Lucinda” (the “satanic” song he mentions in the post) on my way to work this morning.

  12. Andy says:

    Hello! I just found your site by searching for “William the Pleaser” on Google. I think I will read the comments on your other posts; hopefully they’ll be as hilarious as the ones here.

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